Desperate times call for calm, measured and rational thinking. Even disenchanted writers like me need to be objective. Comfortably ensconced at my computer with my steaming hot mug of cream of mushroom soup, I entered the shadowy world of the Internet, looking for anything that might lead me to answers – I am no longer satisfied with informed guesswork and conjecture about our future as a nation beleaguered with problems. Will the economy recover? Who will be our next president? Will we continue to fight a war that I fear has already been lost? What will be the outcome of our efforts to stem the tide of nuclear arms proliferation?
Three hours later, lost in the maze of the Web, I found myself on a dead end street with nothing to show for my efforts. I had two alternatives: give up and quit the search, or do what any rational and objective writer would – browse the Internet for fortune-tellers and mediums. I refined my search to “Political and Economic Fortune-Tellers.” To my surprise, there were hundreds of sites. One in particular caught my eye. “The country will move to a more stable political and economic system,” the blurb read.
Good news? How could I go wrong?
The site offered chats with Leahcim Sepam, “World-renowned as the only legitimate medium in the field,” and guaranteed “Crystal Ball readings of the highest quality.” I typed in my inquiry and waited. Within a minute, I had a reply.
“Hello. I am Leahcim. Shall we begin?”
“Yes, I am ready.”
“All right. I am now looking into my crystal ball. Wait … I see … wait … ah, there is a large meeting, a press conference … ah, very unusual.”
“Why, who is there?” I typed.
“Many. George Bush, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, John McCain, Dick Cheney … my goodness, even Donald Trump and Bill Gates are there. The public has demanded this press conference to be held, so that they can get answers to their questions. It is not a debate. The political people have agreed to work together. Wait … the president is speaking.”
“What is he saying?” I typed.
“I cannot make the words out clearly, but it is something about making the world safe for democracy and freedom. Oh! Hillary Clinton is standing. She is angry. I hear her clearly now … ‘George, don’t you have anything substantive to say? We are all sick and tired of that line. At least I have a plan!’ Wait … wait … now Obama is standing. He says, ‘I don’t have a plan yet, but I will have one someday.’ Wait … oh, this is shocking … I cannot believe …”
“Leahcim, are you still there?”
“Yes, I can see everything so clearly now. They all have Pinocchio noses. I have never seen this before. Wait … Hillary is speaking again. ‘This isn’t a soap box derby, Obama, why don’t you sit down and shut up?’ The press conference is … there is a great deal of turmoil.” Do you have a question?”
“Yes. Can you make a tape of this?” It is a ridiculous question, but I had to ask. If she could, I’d never have to work another day for the rest of my life. Sure, the tape would be bogus, and any expert could expose it as a hoax, but even so, it would sell by the millions. Pinocchio noses?
“Yes, I have USB ports on my crystal ball. Often, my clients wish to have copies. Sometimes the copies are hazy, but this one would be vivid. Oh … oh! Aschalera bot! Bill Clinton has just punched Obama in the nose. His Pinocchio nose is bent. Dick Cheney has a rifle! All of the great leaders and politicians are fighting. I hear gunshots.”
“Leahcim, are you recording this?”
“Yes. However, there will be an additional charge for the copy.”
“How much?” I type in frantically.
“Well, your initial fee is $49.95. Since we went beyond 15 minutes, the extra charge is calculated at $20 per minute. We had 14 additional minutes, so that’s another $280. The total is $329.95.”
It sounded more like a ride in a taxi than a chat with a medium, and I hoped that I had enough on my Visa to cover the cost. I was already in for $329, though, so I figured that I might as well ask about the copy. I typed in my query.
“The copy … well … I can provide it in color or black-and-white. The color copy is $8,736. 95. However, black-and-white is only $5,210.95. How do you wish to pay for this – credit card, certified bank check or money orders?”
“How about food stamps?” I asked. If I bought the tape, I would need them anyway. I signed off. My crystal ball comedy had cost me $329. The price for stupidity is costly these days – roughly the same as next year’s price for a gallon of gasoline.