It is beginning to look memorable, this year of 2008. Being an election year, it figured to be action-packed, but who expected so much so soon? Arrogance and the shameless abuse of power do not always prevail in this world. The champion of law and integrity who attacked corruption like an angry pit bull is no more. Elliot Spitzer began to chase his own tail, and any other tail he could buy, to the ultimate delight of downtrodden Wall Street. While the ticker tape parade has not begun officially, it is not beyond the realm of possibility that the celebrators may have played some small part in the orchestration of Spitzer’s fall. Having used Wall Street as his personal punching bag for years, he was as easy to despise. There appeared to be no gray areas for Elliot the dragon slayer, but now it is clear there were many. Nothing should surprise us when the sex trade cops open that black book to the public.
Politicians, those masters of the well-turned phrase, have been selling their snake oil in an age of unprecedented freedom to practice the art of shapeshifting. With the country’s problems multiplying like rabbits, their ability to fool the public may be on the decline. I see an opportunity for brilliant visionaries, myself included, to flourish. The time to think “outside the box” has arrived, and that just happens to be my specialty.
In a country where anything is possible, I shall take this opportunity to share with you the world of possibility that lives in my imagination. Here is my list of predictions for the future, which I humbly refer to as “Brilliant Visions.”
Brilliant Vision No 1: Since the war in Iraq is becoming old and tiresome, we will initiate exploitation of a growing market of small countries appropriate for “intervention.” I use this term because it sounds better than “invasion.” These interventions will allow us to impose our will on greater numbers of people foolish enough to think differently than we do.
Brilliant Vision No 2: The Treasury Department will announce plans to introduce new paper money. The $3 bill will be unveiled, appropriately bearing Elliot Spitzer’s face on both sides. Additional new bills in denominations of 4,6,7,8 and 9 dollars will be printed as soon as the Emperor’s Club investigations are completed.
Brilliant Vision No. 3: The EPA, in concert with the IRS, will announce an Air Tax that will be imposed on Americans for the first time in history. Athletes, particularly marathon runners, will be taxed at the highest rates. The tax scale has not been finalized yet, but asthmatics and other persons with lung ailments will be eligible for exemptions under the new Americans With Breathing Disabilities Act to be signed into law by Congress. Tax rebates will be issued to persons who were considered clinically dead and revived. This will be a one-time-only rebate. Persons who temporarily die repeatedly will be disqualified from eligibility.
Brilliant Vision No. 4: The Department Of Agriculture will announce the introduction of a major change to the calendar year, developed by the National Science Foundation and the Secretary Of The Treasury. An additional day will be added to the week, to be named Natebtday. It will be inserted between Sunday and Monday, extending the calendar year to 427 days. The additional day is expected to generate $1.2 trillion in additional annual tax revenue. Combined with the revenue generated by the Air Tax, the national debt should be eliminated in approximately 400 years.
Brilliant Vision No. 5: Perhaps the most significant change will be a law devised by Congress that will mandate state and federal penalties, including fines and possible incarceration for clearly demonstrated acts of stupidity. Enforcement will be administered by a newly created agency designated AOSA, the Acts Of Stupidity Administration. Individuals with below-average intelligence, the mentally and emotionally challenged, the mentally ill and brain-damaged individuals will be exempt from prosecution under this new law. There will be no exemptions for politicians, government officials and law enforcement personnel, including U.S. attorneys, assistant U.S. attorneys, the attorney general and members of the judiciary. Prosecution of such individuals will call for substantially higher fines, expected to generate massive revenues based on well-documented experience. Congress will also consider inclusion of a retroactivity clause that would enable prosecution of persons like George Bush, John Cheney and Elliot Spitzer, to name just a few.
There is every reason to believe that my visions are politically and economically sound, so do not be surprised if they materialize in reality.
I understand that it is sometimes difficult to determine what is real and what is the Matrix, so it may take time for people to acclimate themselves to all of these changes. What the heck, though, change is what it’s all about, right?