The transition from the freedom of bachelorhood to the overwhelming responsibility of husband and father is a process that I still do not understand. Maybe there is a “domestic” gene that lies dormant in all men. When the first home is purchased or child born, the gene kicks in. How else do you explain the transformation?
My friend Billy is a good example. Outside of work, he had no responsibilities whatsoever. He played softball, bowled in two leagues and basically did what he wanted. Then he fell in love, got married, moved into a townhouse and fathered his first child. Now there are three kids, a big house and a big mortgage. The gene is active. Billy doesn’t play softball or bowl anymore. When not at work, he is at home with his family, dealing with all of the chaos that comes with the package. Billy Jr., the oldest at 4, has the energy of a nuclear power plant and the intellect of his father, a challenging combination of traits that stresses Billy Sr. to the limit. The kid is always up to something. Alex, only 19 months old, is already a climber and amateur scientist who can be found unscrewing light bulbs or messing with just about anything. Megan Rose, the newborn girl, is too young to be a problem, yet.
I have seen Billy doing things I could never have imagined possible – repair work around the house, mowing the lawn, blowing leaves, opening the pool, maintaining it and closing it at summer’s end and a host of other things that could drive some men crazy. It amazes me because this is a man who had never used a screwdriver, and now he is repairing railings and pool filters. He tells me he needs medication. While he is telling me on the phone that that he needs to be psychiatrically hospitalized, he’s chasing after Billy Jr., who is unplugging the television. Billy Jr. does not respond to the word “no” yet. But despite all of this, Billy is a patient and loving father and husband, and while he may sometimes fantasize about going out to a bar and getting roaring drunk, he stays at home and endures the madness because being a good father is more important to him than anything else. Many lesser men run off, leaving their wives to hold down the fort.
In fact, there are plenty of men at local bars, drinking with their buddies and referring to their wives as “my old lady.” Billy is not one of them. Even though he tells me he is losing his mind, he does so with a sense of humor. In any event, he continues to function at an astonishingly high level. It must be one powerful gene. Then again, I have to consider the fact that Billy is an extraordinary man to begin with. As a friend, he has always been there for me, in more ways than I can possibly detail in this column. But it is as father and husband that he really shines. He has that rare quality of selflessness – the willingness to put family first. His own wants and needs have become secondary. In truth, men like Billy are the backbone of this country. They are raising well-adjusted children who will in turn raise more, and so the cycle will continue. There will be countless generations of offspring who will go on to do good things in this often crazy world of ours. Yet they only barely offset the negative side – the products of emotionally and physically abusive parents.
I have never seen Billy raise his hand to either of his two boys. I have seen him reading them stories, watching videos with them, playing with them and basically doing whatever it takes to make sure they know they are loved.
“I can’t take it anymore,” he tells me on the phone. I barrage him with as much of the stupid and useless knowledge I have because I know how he loves to tease me about that. I gladly play the role, not only because I know it is inevitably funny, but because at least for a few minutes he can laugh, something he loves to do. He is a man of wondrous good humor and I know I am lucky to have him as a friend.
I told him the other day that things would get better in about 17 years, but that wasn’t such a good idea. He reminded me that college tuition will probably cost what NASA spends in a year by then. His life is already mortgaged to the hilt, he works two jobs and his wife is a teacher. I have probably slighted her role as parent in this article, but it was unintentional. Besides, she has the ability to remain calm, if not oblivious, to the chaos, which is a good thing. If both of them went nuts at the same time, there would be a mushroom cloud hovering over the house.
Well, I’ve just told you about one man. But how many others out there are willing to sacrifice themselves to their families? I think not enough. The family system and ethic in America is disappearing. There are too many children who are products of neglect and abuse. We owe men like Billy a little recognition. Whether they know it or not, they are fighting the good fight. If I were president, I’d give Billy a medal and a ticker-tape parade. He deserves it.