Amazingly, I have already fulfilled most of my resolutions for the New Year. Admittedly, I fell short on some, but I haven’t given up. Besides, don’t they always say it’s the effort that counts? Overall, I’m quite proud of myself.
I dropped CellularNone the same way they were dropping all of my calls, and I succeeded in finding a company that provides service to my house. Now all I have to do is figure out how to work the new phone. The instruction booklet contains 138 pages of information that does not seem to apply to my phone, so I’ve been working through the maze of settings and options on my own – a nightmare. The phone has a mind of its own and I don’t like the fact that it verbally reprimands me when I make a mistake. It’s very disconcerting. Setting the ring tone was sheer madness. Since I don’t want to hear the USC marching band or Jay-Z every time I get a call, it took some work to get the phone to agree that a plain ring would be OK. In the process, I accidentally took some photographs. I have a rather surrealistic photo of my ashtray that I think has exhibit potential.
Summoning all of my courage, I called AT&T, my land-line provider, to terminate my service. I had to do it. At the rate my bills were going up, I’d be paying $200 a month before long, in spite of the fact that I’ve been making fewer calls. There must be something drastically wrong with this company. I guess it’s called maximizing profits from suckers like me. My attempt to get disconnected wasn’t easy. The customer service person I spoke with was predictably reluctant to process my termination order. At one point, she even told me she didn’t think she had the authority to order a disconnect, but she changed her mind when I told her I was not going to pay my bill. It took less than a minute for her to give me a disconnect confirmation number and a service termination date – Dec. 31, 2007. What better way can there be to not ring in the New Year?
I also did some things that weren’t on my original list. I cleaned my bathtub, rendering it so spotless that the glare from the porcelain hurts my eyes. I also checked everywhere for mold. I did not find anything, but next year I am going to have my place checked for radon. I haven’t noticed anything glowing in the dark, but you never know with stuff like that. For all I know, my house could be approaching critical mass. I do not want to beat Indian Point to the punch.
While cleaning out my kitchen drawer, I discovered a mousetrap. My thumb is still purple. I must have set it and placed it in their years ago, thinking that mice could actually open drawers. OK, so my mind behaves in strange ways. I have an excuse. Ah, I just don’t remember it. Which reminds me of how forgetful I am. The junk drawer was filled with scribbled reminders. You know, the usual stuff; pick up bread, pay phone bill, etc. There was one note that baffled me. It read, “Call Mrs. Sisnofsky,” with no phone number. With my luck she probably worked for Publishers’ Clearing House and wanted to inform me that I had won $10 million. Mrs. Sisnofsky, where are you?
Anyway … what was I talking about? See what I mean? I have to remind myself to take reminders with me, and then I still forget. I go to CVS to buy toothpaste and walk out with paper towels, pens, chocolate – but no toothpaste. I wonder if Mick Jagger has problems these days remembering lyrics. It probably doesn’t matter. If he forgets a word or two, he goes into his Tina Turner mode and just screams. So do I when I go to Stop N’ Shop lately. They now base their pricing on what Wal-Mart charges, multiplied by three. Even a can of Maxwell House coffee will hit you hard where it hurts most, and now there is the added problem of finding the coffee you want. All of the labeling looks the same, so be careful that you don’t accidentally come home with something like Decaf Vanilla Coconut Almond Lite.
Speaking of supermarkets, have you been to the Amish Market? There isn’t one Amish person working there. There is nothing remotely Amish about the place. Their prices certainly don’t seem Amish. A bottle of grape juice can go for as much as $11.98. Whatever you do, don’t ask the staff for help finding things. Their shelves seem to be randomly stocked. Last week I found soy sauce next to floor cleaners and stain removers. Maybe they know something about soy sauce that has somehow eluded me. One thing is for sure: they seem to think there is going to be a massive run on cheese. Their cheese section covers one-third of the store. You can buy chocolate mint cheese from Lichtenstein for only $5.98. You can even buy cheese that has no real cheese in it. Totally artificial – made mostly of soy, I think.
Well, where would this rant be without a word about our friendly taxi company, A-1? This is the company that recently merged with Yellow Cab. They now have people taking calls who may be close to clinically dead. Last night I was greeted with one word: “Uh.” Their dispatchers all have a warped sense of time. You need to get used to the fact that 15 minutes really means one hour. If they tell you the waiting time will be an hour, start walking, because you’re never going to get picked up.
There might be a solution to all of this, though. Since the people at the Amish Market are very pleasant, why not put them in charge of the taxi company and call it Amish Taxi? The dispatchers and managers at the taxi company can manage A-1 Market, where they can lie to their heart’s content, putting labels like 99 cents on a bottle of juice that will cost $11.98 at the counter. When you complain, they’ll just tell you they were following orders. Where have I heard that before?