While I have rightfully earned the label of cynic in this column, I must admit I am a bit uncomfortable in that role at times. Particularly at this time of year, when we have just celebrated Christmas and are rocketing forward to the New Year. Wow! 2008. What better time than now to start thinking about resolutions. Here are mine:
• When it comes to smoking, I’m not fooling around. I am making a 100 percent reduction. I will smoke only one cigarette for every four lines I write instead of the customary two.
• The same holds true for my coffee consumption. I don’t need a fresh cup for every new page I write. One cup for every two pages will suffice. Another 100 percent cutback.
• Thinking about my editor, it occurs to me that I could pay more attention to proper grammar and punctuation. I’ll wait until the next article to start that, however.
• I will stop letting my mailbox pile up to the point that the mailman leaves me threatening notes, like, “If I can’t fit your mail in the box, I’m throwing it in the Dumpster.”
• I will start reading my junk mail. Who knows, I might stumble on an offer for a new credit card with only a $50 fee and 19 percent interest.
• To the best of my ability, I will pursue the search for a cell phone that works in my house. Just a little fetish of mine, that I want to have a back-up, and I don’t think I’m asking too much for the phone to work where I live.
• I will start using my savings account to actually save money, not merely as a repository for cash soon to be withdrawn. I promise I will save at least $10 a month, which after a year should amount to enough to buy a new cell phone that works in my house.
• Speaking of phones, I will terminate my relationship with AT&T, which just happens to be the new owner of my present cell phone company, Cellular None. My landline bills keep going up even though I make fewer calls. Does AT&T own Verizon also?
• I will start tying my right shoelace first. I’ve been starting with my left for 20 years and it hasn’t brought me any luck.
• I will start listening to all of my phone messages, in their entirety, even the ones that go on and on. I will also stop hanging up on salespeople offering me chances to save money. I will simply tell them I don’t like saving money; not very far from the truth anyway.
• I will stop taking my morning pill and vitamin regimen according to the Roy G. Biv order of colors. I’ll take them randomly, leaving red and green for last.
• I will stop reading the newspaper as if I were reading Hebrew text. I will begin in the front with the news and finish in the back with the sports (the real news) just like normal people.
• I will sort my socks and underwear in an orderly fashion instead of haphazardly stuffing them in drawers.
• In fact, regarding laundry, I will do it every week instead of every two weeks.
• I will not buy new socks just to put the laundry off a day or two.
• I will stop writing nasty letters to Cellular None, even though I really enjoy it.
• I will begin exercising more and go for invigorating walks in slush, ice and snow.
• I will make sure to carry my medical insurance card with me.
• I will dust off my bowling ball, which looks like a giant tumbleweed.
ª I will completely empty and re-organize the junk drawer in my kitchen, which presently contains a frightening assortment of loose rubber bands, bread bag ties, empty pen packages, scraps of paper with unintelligible notes and other items I don’t even recognize.
• I will stop fantasizing about buying a Mercedes, or any other new and exotic car. These are ridiculous fantasies that take me away from more important things, like putting up a pot of coffee.
• As far as the rest of my superstitions, I will abandon them all. These include things like carrying five nickels with me at all times and only using hand lotion at exactly 8:10 in the morning.
• Finally, I will try not to be so cynical, even though it runs hot in my blood.
Happy New Year!